801rabu

Title: Hushed
Pairing: Ohno/Nino
Rating: M for language and non-con issues.
Genre: Angst, drama.
Chapter: 3/3
Word Count: 4100~
Disclaimer: Just fiction!
Summary: Nino awakens to some unwanted groping in the middle of the night. Things are never going to be the same.

Final chapter for Nino’s bday yay!

Thanks so much to everyone who followed this short story, please tell me if the ending seems credible yeah? (Not so sure anymore T^T, this chap got way~ longer and it left me sort of dazed – not used to be in front of a screen for so long – BAD EYES).

Day two after. Last day in Tokyo Dome, last day of Popcorn tour. A few more hours and this torment will finally be over. I’ll have the chance of get away from him, to think how to affront this.

Who knows, maybe the best choice would be for me to quit. Leave it all behind and find a new life. What I do know for sure, after the mental breakdown I went through yesterday, is that I won’t be able to go on, not with this burden upon me. I refuse to face him either, talking about what happened would only make things worse, so I guess there’s no other way out. I’ll come up with a credible story, a reason so solid no one would dare oppose or question me leaving Arashi.

***

The concert is over and we’re being dragged back to the hotel again. If only I could murder the promoters. Why the fuck must we stay together tonight when the tour is already over?

The car ride is spent between silly jokes lead by J, who seems to be in a hyper mood today. I don’t say a single word, don’t laugh with any of his stupid lines, but no one gives a damn about my lack of participation. Fuckers, just going on with their foul stuff no matter someone’s falling to pieces just in front of them.

They’re still being rather noisy as we enter the hotel, and it is not until ten minutes into a soppy meeting in the middle of the hall that Sho calls it a night. They’re all very grateful that the tour was a success and how we’ve all achieved it together and we’re the best and rainbows shine in the night sky and hugs and fond smiles and blabla blaaa------- I’ve had enough of it and start retreating to my room.

“Hey where are you going?! You owe me a sleepover right Nino?”

Ohno might be a total sucker, a scoundrel with one nasty goal, but he’s not the airheaded guy people believe him to be. Not when he really wants something. He so well knows he’s caging me with that simple phrase, since I’d be unwilling to let the other members hear me refuse an innocent invitation to a friendly night in his room, thus ruining all the cheesy sentiment floating in the air. Understanding this, I don’t feel fury or fear anymore, just a wearing sense of defeat. I surrender and come after him, towards the place where that is meant to happen again. I’ve become a trapped animal, and it feels like he won’t let me escape without taking what he strives for first.

Am I allowing it? That easily? As we leave the elevator for the seventh and upper floor, the familiar cold throb is back, the utter terror of being touched against one’s will … and I flare up internally, not inclined to play by his rules any longer.

“You seem eager.”

“…eh?”

“I wonder if you’ll be patient enough. Those repulsive hands… can they stay still till it’s safe?”

“Wha-?”

He doesn’t quite grasp my meaning yet, but at least the harsh tone I used alarmed him enough to wipe the loose grin grazing his features. There’s a silence, long and heavy, then this idiot opts for an icebreaker.

“Nino’s being so weird lately.” He dares say it in a mocking tone, the boke pattern he uses in shows, no less. He even leans on my shoulder while trying to make me laugh, the loser. My demeanor turns vicious. I spat his arm away and push him rudely, my voice resonating in a low, barely contained irate whisper, disdain patent in every syllable.

“I. Was. Awake.”

He tenses, withdrawing his arm instantly, and refuses to look at me anymore. That’s it, he finally drops his mask, a shocked grimace taking its place. That’s all his face shows before clearly declining to discuss the matter, it seems his shoes are more interesting suddenly. He’d say nothing, I knew it beforehand, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling like punching the words out of him. I’d destroy that sorry face of his in mere seconds.

But then again, wouldn’t that be more troublesome. Much explaining to do, way more than I’m willing to; the endless fuss I’d cause to our staff, the confusion for Aiba, Sho and Jun, the havoc among the fans. Besides, I’m not giving him the pleasure of taking control over this situation in any way, neither am I touching him again, even if it meant breaking his teeth. I won’t be the one trying to solve this mess when all he has to offer is an immature child’s attitude. His silence hurts too much, and I promise myself to never look this coward in the eye again.

I simply walk away, leaving Ohno alone and motionless in the middle of a deserted corridor.

***

Knock-knock. Knuckles pound the wooden door lightly. I’d like to play dumb, but who else would be standing outside my room in this unholy hour? I ignore it, but minutes pass by, and the soft knock is accompanied by his pleading voice this time. “Nino…”

It’s back after a short break, a bit broken now? “Please… Ni-Nino…”

I get up from the couch and open the door, ready to tell him to let me the fuck alone. But in all honesty, a tiny hope of finding out about his reasons fuels me too. It’s only been a pair of days of this hellish situation, yet my face already looks horrible, tiredness showing in my even paler skin, the dark circles around my eyes a shade of purple by now.

But undeniably, so does he. I didn’t notice till now, or maybe it is just his disguise falling so abruptly, but all about him seems so sorrowful now. So the guy still has a conscience, he’s capable of feeling shame and regret, apparently. He’s sitting on the floor, his back against the beige corridor wall, and when he finally looks at me my stomach sinks. His eyes are puffy, and he resembles a stray dog. I know without him telling me, he’s totally lost, just as I am.

Letting the door open, I head inside again, too tired to wait in the doorway to whatever he wants to say. For a moment I think he’s chickened out, but it’s just Ohno being Ohno, and trouble like the one at hand might as well take him twice the time to react in any way, so I’m already idly paging a magazine by the time he finally enters and silently closes the door behind him. Well, I’m faking to be bored because in reality my heart is pounding in my throat, forming a knot so huge I’m on the verge of choking. The rapid pulse swells my jugular vein, it hammers inside my skull… it won’t let me think straight. My hands shake like fragile glass, I try to hide it holding the magazine tightly.

My whole being is totally blocked, but I guess it is better that way, because I’d easily snap and do something drastic in my agitated state. Or say something stupid maybe. And I’m not the one who’s gonna do the talk here. He better deliver some sort of apology or this is going to turn into a really infamous meeting. He must do it, if he cares for his own wellbeing, he is gonna do it. So I’ll just wait, listen and throw him away once he’s done.

I’m stubbornly looking into the articles I don’t care a shit about, but I follow each of his tiny movements just the same. I smell how hesitant he’s feeling, and imagine him fidgeting like a little child, his head cast down and asking for forgiveness, his feet restless in the soft mat.

Minutes pass by, but nothing happens. He better start speaking now, because I’m about to burst into flames shortly. It’s the same fucking void silence again, his lame personality digging into my ill temper. I don’t know what else should I expect from him, but I can’t believe he’s been knocking for ages to come inside and do this. Nothing. Somehow I feel a bit relieved, because were he to say something I do not want to hear, how would I have responded?

I dread him, loath him, but I also feel pity for him. I don’t want him to be involved in this, I’d rather be told I’m crazy and I’ve imagined everything. I don’t what this between us, for it is so filthy and miserable.

“I’m sorry.”

He mutters the words quietly I don’t bother look at him. He’s going to do it properly, he’s gonna suffer… I’m allowing him to speak in order to achieve one only goal, to be able to witness his utter humiliation.

Eye for an eye.

“I didn’t want… that.”

“What?”

“You… I… I went with the flow or something…”

“With the flow?... Are you fucking retarded?!”

“I didn’t think it would… get to that…”

“Stop avoiding the issue with euphemisms you moron. You better shut the fuck before babbling Nino’s bubu… mummy it wasn’t me or shit like that cause I’m gonna rip your fucking tongue off if you dare.”

They are coated with sheer venom, but there are not the words, but the tone I used when mocking Ohno’s shy nature what made him shrink even further. I am staring at him now, and he looks so tiny, so corraled that for a moment I feel triumphal, a cruel ego fueling me. I am so going to smash this guy.

“That’s all you’ve got? Then please turn around and let me the fuck alone, you hog hands. And don’t ever get near me again. Heard me, spineless idiot?”

“…I don’t want to.”

“…huh?”

“Don’t- just don’t push me away… we can… I can fix it Ni-”

“Go away I said.” It’s an icy warning, my eyes narrowed to slits as to threaten him with hideous consequences least he oppose my words.

“I understand you’re angry but I want to try at least, Nino let m-”

“Satoshi!!”

His whole body goes rigid momentarily, his face contorted as if he had just been stabbed in the gut. I never call him by his given name, strange as it might seem, it always sounded too cold to me. I’m pleased it provoked the desired effect, cause his pitiful pleading stopped short. His eyes are downcast again, and his knees seems about to give out. He’s on the verge of breaking, and I’m more than ready to take it. A bucket of popcorn to watch the thrilling outcome please?

“I couldn’t believe you were sleeping beside me, again. I kept awake after you fell asleep. My mind started daydreaming… before I knew… I…”

I get angry again. Livid. Is he gonna explain me how his hand unintentionally landed on my butt? “Just shut up. Please” I feel it, I’m losing it. My blood is beyond boiling point, and I imagine myself strangling that throat so that no other vexing word comes out ever again.

“I… I got hard Nino.” He won’t dare look into my eyes when admitting it. He even bends his head down a little further so I can’t see him. Coward.

“So? You had to involve me in your onanistic party?! I am quite capable of getting off without touching anyone’s ass for fuck’s sake! What are you, twelve?!”

“You don’t get it… you weren’t a tool. But the cause.”

His voice breaks a bit in the last words. For all the almighty attitude I’m showing here, it takes me a while to catch up with the meaning of those words.

And then, I freeze. Just like I did when I fist felt that hand on me, only that now it feels like it just slapped me in the face.

“I want… things. It’s always been like that, I suppose… couldn’t risk everything though.” He looks right at me at last. It’s not that he’s not ashamed or afraid any more, he just found the bravery he needed to be honest. I was wrong about him, he’s not a coward, but someone who needs more time than average people. I already know it, yet I refused to remember. “We were distanced enough, these last years. Having you this near once again… in my own bed…” His lips move into a tiny, fake and disgraceful smile.

“I’ve always thought you knew… in fact… I also thought you felt the same way, at least back then. I guess you fooled me? It was all part of the job for you.”

My chest tightens. His feelings hurt me, much more than his groping indeed.

“But what I did…” His shoulders start shaking lightly “I’m revolting.” His voice gets caught, a lone tear marks his check and I feel like I just want to run away. His eyes look sore and painfully regretful, sad. I can’t take a second more of this Ohno. “Just… just promise. I’ll make it alright again but tell me you won’t leave Arashi behind yeah? I have no right to ask… but if you leave I’m not gonna… I… I don’t think I could bear it, I couldn’t ever go on. Not after what I did.”

“Score. That’s just what I’m about to do.” I just feel like pushing him a little further. There’s no amusement in doing so, now that he’s already broken into pieces, now that I know why. Even so, I keep digging into the wound, testing how far I can make him hurt. This guy, who always used to be so absentminded and cheerful… when did he become so pathetic? Was he hiding this tormented side of him all long?

I have never seriously given it a second thought. Never considered what ohmiya could mean for Ohno. Never dwelt in the way I felt towards him back in the time when we would spend the whole day glued to each other. When I would hug him in the most embarrassing ways, kiss him jokingly or sleep with him even if there were no cameras around. I have never wondered myself why I did all those things, why it became so natural. After all, no matter how close we got, how snug his body felt, I wouldn’t get turned on, so it would have been ridiculous to see him that way.

But then again, I can still recall so many times when the connection we shared would make me sort of anguished, cause I knew better than anyone how Ohno felt about Arashi, and I was somehow scared he might vanish any given day. So I showered him with a bit too much of affection, not only to prevent him from feeling the stranger among a group of younger boys, but also because I was so fucking afraid of him leaving, and I embraced each moment as my last chance to reach him.

I really liked him. I wasn’t so sure about this new path myself, till I found him walking along the same road. Years had gone by and he had stayed, so I felt no need to show him how much he meant anymore. I assumed Ohno had understood so far.

I couldn’t have been more mistaken. He’s grown more insecure, and has suffered unnecessarily, all thanks to me. All because I built our relationship around a lie that I chose to believe. That he was too detached to care about the skinship I forced on him. I took it as game at first, wanted to prove myself whether I was able to molest such a quiet guy enough, always keen to see if I could get him to shove me away. But he never did, so I went on, pushing boundaries, presuming our leader was willingly performing the impassive role in my game. And gradually, I discarded all regard for how he might actually feel about it and I turned him into the-guy-who-is-never-troubled-by-anything, a clown who’s got nothing to do with the real Ohno. I left him alone in the path of sorrow I had created, all the while thinking I was the one who understood him the most.

Now he has acted on impulse, driven by the same frustration he’s hidden for years, and I misunderstood again, taking him for a brute ravisher. Well, what he did was sick as shit, but I can only feel sorry for the guy. Forced to steal what I never allowed him obtain by simply asking.

This is a mess. And maybe it’s not my fault entirely… but now I see all of it happened because I treated Ohno like a naive puppet, someone I could tease as I pleased. I have made a fool out of him, broken him day by day. And he kept silent about it, for so fucking long.

I sigh heavily, covering my face as if that could make the pain and shame I’m feeling not visible. But then something clicks inside my brain, finally, and I’m aware of how utterly selfish I’m being, even now. Ohno is huddled up on the floor, he’s been like this for a while indeed, gaze utterly absent and his heart bleeding, yet I’m here, reflecting on my own discomfort, weighting how this affects me. Right, last time I spoke I told him I was leaving. I told him I would disappear from his life, arrogance tainting the bitter words.

I’m just a self-centered fucking asshole.

I don’t think about it, I just… do it. I stand and come by his side in resolute steps, embracing him awkwardly. He’s surprised, maybe afraid that I might hit him, because his muscles are so stiff it makes it difficult to show him properly, that I’m here to support him; but when he finally realizes, he clings to me like a lost child. I remember each of his hugs, always warm and solid, but this one is desperate. The slightly long nails dig into my upper arms, his shaky hands roam over my chest and he twists the old t-shirt in tight fists.

“Ohno. Oh-chan… calm down… hush, I’m here.”

He hunches like a beaten animal, he can’t stop from breathing in hiccups, sobbing painfully. It breaks my heart, to be this close to someone who’s aching so much. To have Ohno in my arms, knowing he’s weeping because of me.

“I’m here” I say softly, caressing his back “I’m not going anywhere okay? Sorry. I was just… so fucking pissed.” What else could I say to make him feel any better? After all, I feel like shit too. This is too much at once. Forgiving him, coming to terms with doing so while accepting what I really mean to him. Too fucking much for a guy like me, who so much loves to stay away from drama.

My feet got numb thanks to the uncomfortable position I’m holding, so I stand up with some difficulty and urge him to do the same. It would look like he’s ninety four, for how clumsy his movements are. I hug him tightly when he finally gets on his feet, in part to prevent him from falling due to his weakened state, but principally to show him that I’m not wavering nor am I changing my mind. I embrace him warmly to make him believe I’m not mad, and that I’ll do anything it takes to mend this, to heal him.

There’s little else to say or do in this situation, so I simply lead him to bed and allow him take his time to come under the blankets while I head to other side to do so. He’s hesitant and looks anxiously at me once I’m lying. I respond with an encouraging nod, the small lopsided grin in my lips convincing him that it’s safe to go on. He lies beside me in shaky movements and once he’s done I feel like I went to bed with a corpse taken out from an old sarcophagus. I laugh heartedly, for the first time in days.

“Come on Oh-chan… loose up a bit will you? You look a giant tuna, laid like that.”

He relaxes, somewhat, but I don’t manage to make him laugh, even using the fishing reference. We stay in silence for long minutes. Neither of us knows how to approach the subject. Maybe there’s no need to. Not tonight. He hasn’t even asked how I feel about his confession, and I’m not gonna push an issue I’d rather leave aside, at least for now.

Only our soft breathing fills the room, but eventually I hear the delicate sound of sheets being removed and turn my head, somehow amused now that Ohno has finally found the grit to move from his mummy wise posture. My fond smile dies instantly when I look into his eyes. He’s feeling unsure again, mainly because I just caught him trying to reach me with a shy hand. He stops abruptly and I feel sort of guilty, he never refrained from touching me before.

I flinch when thinking how far this trust made him go two days ago.

He sees it.

Fuck.

He draws his tentative hand back and moves as if to get out of bed. I stop him short placing a steady hand on his shoulder. He halts suddenly, and even though he won’t turn to look at me I know he feels wretched, utterly confused and torn, I recognize his fears in the light tremors shaking his frame. I pull him back into the mattress but he refuses to show me his face. I don’t know how to mitigate his distress, how to make him understand that it’s okay for him to touch me, if only in that innocent way. So I go a little bit emotional and grab his hand between mine, placing it near my chest and letting him decide whether he feels like closing the distance. He certainly does, but only after getting permission in my always open eyes. I’m sure all he sees there is compassion right now. Don’t know if that’s a good thing, I wouldn’t feel proud of having any kind of power over him, not when his heart is at stake.

He touches my collar bones, a rather bold movement I must say judging by how scared he seemed. But I’m not freaked out with the contact this time, because all his fingers are asking for is forgiveness. He’s as menacing as teddy bear right now, I muse affectionately.

I drift into slumber with his nervous hand stroking the delicate skin over my collar bone, all that sickening apprehension slowly dissipating. I felt like I might explode till now. I was afraid I would hurt him, make and scene or even start wailing anytime no matter who might see me collapse pathetically. Now the burden is over me no more, I can even feel myself breathing more at ease, now free of the anxiety suffocating my lungs. I’m in the mood to taunt leader for a bit again.

“Are you gonna molest me tonight?”

“Never again”, he says in a jerky and battered whisper. He clearly hasn’t seen the tease in my eyes.

“Not your type anymore? I respond quickly, my wit taking control. A weak smile spreads in his face and I then I’m sure. We’re okay again.

The last thing I notice before falling asleep is the touch of his soft lips, gently pressed against my neck. I think for a moment he’s going to kiss me, but he just stays there, sort of nosing my earlobe. Couldn’t say whether I’ll ever return his feelings, but at least I’m sure this gesture doesn’t repel me, even knowing there’s much more behind that chaste nuzzling.

It’s ticklish and very intimate indeed, but I have no reason to panic tonight. Maybe I’ll end up rejecting him, and that won’t be an easy situation for none of us if given the case, but for now I’m only sure I’ll never feel so fearful and estranged from him, and that’s all I’d ever ask for after what I’ve been through.

Don’t matter the future, I can only be relieved now, for I have him again.

-おわり-