801rabu: (fic)
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Title: Hushed
Pairing: Ohno/Nino
Rating: M for language and non-con issues.
Genre: Angst, drama.
Chapter: 2/3
Word Count: 2100~
Disclaimer: Just fiction! Unbetaed again, hope there aren’t many mistakes *.*
The beginning of Popcorn DVD is my all time favorite, but being an Ohmiya believer I sort of feel Nino quite cold towards Ohno during this particular section. I wondered why once, and a lame explanation came to my mind >_<…which eventually became this fic.
Beware! Some Ohno bashing ahead… (sorry dear Riida T_T)
Summary: Nino awakens to some unwanted groping in the middle of the night. Things are never going to be the same.



Ignoring such an incident was an easy thing to say, but as I wake up to a new day after a morning nap that made me arrive quite late to the lunch meeting, I realize how delusional I was being when making that choice. There are still two concerts ahead before the Popcorn tour is over, and somehow, I can’t cast it aside, this terrible feeling of déjà-vu. Same hotel, same stadium, same schedule, same damn outfits. It’s when we’re all dressed in our Willy Wonka style clothes that I really start feeling trapped, as if we were in that American “Groundhog Day” movie, where I’d be obligated to find out what I did wrong in order to change it and escape the recurrent nightmare.

If only I could solve this so easily. But I did no wrong, and I am definitely not the one in fault here. At least I’ve learnt enough to never cross his hotel room again, so I’m pretty sure there’s not gonna be a second chapter to it. Why is it then that I feel an impending calamity about to fall upon me? With the candy factory video behind us almost over, we are ready for another performance, lined up and playing the chocolate figure role for the audience. I can’t help but wince when comparing it to yesterday night. I’m staying still, just for the sake of others, again.

Enough.

I can’t crumble. I must not crumble under this. I’ll just think of him as a nasty molester from now on, someone from whom I shall stay away no matter what – forget all the warm memories, the trust we shared. He’s another guy now, he’s a monster, a rotter, and the sooner I accept it the smoother this ordeal will develop. Besides, cameras are rolling tonight, so I’m forced to make an extra effort so that my dark mood doesn’t get perpetually captured in a DVD.

Sing-dance-smile-whatever it takes ignore him.

Again, easy to say. The first song is a tester for my nerves, but I endure just fine, even when I cross paths with him in the spotlight; “after a downpour our hearts fly – because we’ll always be here” he sings, and I continue “beautiful dreams lead to tomorrow – good night, wish on a star” and it feels like the composer is pulling a sick joke on me, cause it’s pure torture to sing those lies while faking to be so full of happiness. The lump in my throat gets heavier by seconds, and I wonder how long I’m gonna be able to held a steady voice.

My mind goes blank some seconds after, clouded now that I dwell on how he didn’t even take a glance at me after finishing his line, behavior that has been a constant today. Not that I felt like staring at him all day long, in fact, haven’t looked his way even once thank you, but despite my faked lack of interest, I’m perfectly aware he’s avoiding me too. Wonder if he’s been in a guilt trip during these few hours… certainly, he didn’t seem so scrupulous whilst fumbling inside my pants.

I’m so lost in my thoughts it gets me longer than usual, but I’ve always been so mindful of him, the recent turn of events couldn’t change such old habits. And this time I feel it stronger than ever, piercing through my bones, the way in which after the song is over and we’re still in super sentai-like formation his head turns to look at me bluntly. I can’t deny I was somehow anticipating this, but each time I thought he was about to play it cool and interact with me for the cameras nothing happened, and I’ve so long failed to see what expression he would address me with. But this time there’s no mistake, he’s trying to reach me.

I swear I shit my pants at that very moment. Stupidly worrying about the first eye contact, I’ve spent all day trying to imagine how he would pull it out, but not a single second in deciding how to respond. I remain stubborn for a moment, refusing to return the gesture, but I know it would surely look extremely odd and out of character when replayed, a Nino that ignores such a blatant stare. So kind of defeated, I simply look towards him for the first time in what I call “day one after”, and what I see leaves me speechless. Ohno is smiling, looking at me with such fondness that for a moment my brain short-circuits. Wasn’t this guy a disgusting rat? Then how… how can he destroy my resolve with such tiny action? I smile back automatically, still trying to cope with the fact that old Leader is still there, for it feels so familiar, the way in which he would try to communicate with me, with that sort of look he only darts me, no actual words needed and just that “you okay?, me too” gaze enough to make me feel so at ease around him.

The rest of the concert is no different. Though I really got confused by his gentler self, I cannot forget that easily and hence try to escape him, but his eagerness and the amicable façade the fans expect from us work its way, forcing me to leave all the hate aside for as long as the music keeps going on.

Welcome to Our Party comes next, and the thin thread that keeps me from snapping get dangerously tense. This utter asshole had to grab my hand and drag me into the superbestfriends act for the cameras. I sort of smile and play along, what else could I do… and no shit, someone should give me a goddamn Oscar for being able to hide how my whole body cringes when our palms intertwine and he touches me again.

I could only deem it fucking irking, the oblivious he is to my inner anxiety.

I try to stay out of his focus, at least for the rest of the song, so I turn away from him under the pretext of greeting the crowd at one side of the moving platform, thus preventing any further eye contact. Among the five of us, I’m definitely the one who’s closest to the edge, but I would happily fall if the stunt granted some more of space between Leader and me; a bit of the precious and rather difficult to obtain distance with Ohno constantly moving to the left, caging me even further. I’m beginning to feel extremely irritated, because whatever I try, it’s no use, he’s too dense to read into my defensive body language. He even waits for me till I’m done with my Irashaimasen greetings, his stupid face joyful and the child in him ready to play I-won’t-let-you-pass-without-a-bit-of-boyish-struggle. Believe me, I do not have the strength to fake enjoying these games, not today, not with him. I cut the mood with a straight face, and maybe my attitude seemed a bit stern or even rude, but come on, it was all I could do not to shove him away and maybe kick him while he’s still crawling on the floor because really, I can’t stand him getting near me anymore.

Unfortunately, I have no choice but to cast these feelings of hate and loathing aside before I end up having a mental breakdown in front of all the people in this Dome. So I get my shit together, glue the trademark kawaii Nino smile on and wait till the parade is over.


***

Only God knows how they managed to slip past security, but there’s actually a bunch of fans waiting for us in the hotel lobby, and as tired as we may be, we are still glad to humor them. Five minutes into the autograph signing and Sho yawns rather exaggeratedly, just a cheap excuse to be the first one retiring to his room. J and Aiba seemed pretty excited but soon it’s only me and Ohno signing and taking photos with the girls. He’s gathering most of the attention, nothing new, so I sneak out of there before any tense scene takes place. I don’t want to be left alone with him again, ever.

While pacing towards the elevator I start wondering for the first time… why would he approach me that way when he’s got tons of chicks ready to shag him? I’m sure he could find at least one that wouldn’t tell her juicy story to the hungry press. He’s still unreadable sometimes, even for me, but it just doesn’t make sense. Does this mean he’s into men too? It’s a wonder he’s hidden it for so long, but if that were the case I bet there are also many gay guys willing to-

“Nino!”

No. Please no. I had escaped. I had made a clean exit. I left only seconds ago, and he was surrounded by a good number of fans. He’s… has he dumped them to come after me? I stop in my tracks, but don’t turn around, still wishing today’s my lucky day and he’s only looking for some chatter before going to his room. Alone. Or maybe he’s still with the girls and gave a shout with the only intention of wishing me a good night.

In your dreams, Kazunari.

He comes towards me and without any further talking, he joins me in the path towards the lift. I tail after him, stupidly, not a clue of how else to behave. After all, he’s our Riida, I’m used to follow him just as a programmed robot would. We leave the claustrophobic walls of the elevator, no word or glance exchanged so far, when I spot his bedroom door, only a few steps ahead. Enough time for me to overtake his lazy stroll and utter an unaffected oyasumi in my runaway route. Yet, it seems I must be under a really awful curse, because seriously, he just had to open his fucking mouth before my plan granted me any chance of salvation.

“Wanna share again?” he asks, carefree and with a shy, or I’ll rather say imbecile grin plastered in his watermelon face. The nerve. I try to react calm, decline the offer casually, because my mind is right now screaming is this a fucking joke?

“Nah, I’m… tired.” I emphasize the word with a grave tone, and although he seems to ignore my meaning he surely looks deflated after hearing my refusal.

“Yeah, true. We should get some sleep tonight.”

He reaches for his keys while slowly pacing backwards, still looking at me and sort of bowing and smiling apologetically, making this sort of farewell all the more agonizing.

“Oyasumi… Nino” he mutters after opening the door, creating an acutely awkward atmosphere between us. His intense gaze is fixed only on me, and I just can’t cope with the hidden meaning of those eyes.

I’m dumbstruck. Incredulous.

Feeling a crack in my composure, I flee towards my room suddenly, not bothering to say anything back. As soon as I feel inside a space that provides me with some privacy, thing I’ve been wishing for hours, I give way to all the bottled up emotions. I’m still closing the door when I hear myself getting near hyperventilation, an overwhelming frustration consuming my guts. I search for balance against the door just before the frail shell holding me together shatters. My back slides down the hard frame, and unable to handle it anymore, I start sobbing uncontrollably. I’m hunched in the floor, the anguish sinking me in total despair, images of what could have happened bombarding me. What was he aiming for? Was he trying to lure me into a friendly chat, only to wait till I got asleep so he could take advantage of me? Again? The mere thought makes me feel filthy, unworthy, so cheap.

That’s all I’ve become to you?

I don’t know how much time passes till I stop crying, but I can barely sleep again, aware that there is still one day left of this infernal tour.


***

Note: Lyrics translation taken from yarukizero’s journal.
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November 2016

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